Touch Down

I feel like I've got nothing to say, but maybe that's because I've been minimalizing the importance of what has actually happened, so here we go...

I'm trying to be friends with Dane Cook Guy, because I know he can be a good friend and I honestly do want him in my life. It just stung, at first. Not being wanted after I felt like I had been. I still don't understand totally where he's coming from, but he feels like we aren't a good match, and there's nothing I can do about that.

So I don't want to be with anyone, per se, because I don't feel like I can trust anyone and I don't particularly want to go through the motions of getting to know someone or letting them get to know me. I'm done with the dating game. It sucks.

However, I'm a girl, and I have needs just like anyone else. But unlike most other people (I imagine), I'm not as good at repressing my needs. I found what seemed to me like a good solution -- a really hot guy named C, whom even Loopis finds attractive (we don't normally see eye-to-eye on what physical characteristics are attractive in men).

The best thing about C is that he is not very deep. It looks to me like all his friendships and relationships are superficial and devoid of anything meaningful. So I thought he could be Mr. Right Now, and when I'm done no feelings get hurt. Essentially we'd be using each other.

He is definitely not my type, at all. He parties all the time, drinks way too much, has had a very promiscuous past and probably will have a very promiscuous future, he smokes cigarettes, he's not very bright, he talks about cars and fixing them ALL THE TIME, he doesn't like Jeopardy! for Christ's sake!

There are three basic dimensions that guys have to match me on in order for there to be something: 1) he must be what I consider physically attractive, because attraction is important to me; 2) he must be intelligent and have a similar personality to my own; and 3) he must get along with my friends.

Dane Cook Guy was 2 for 3. C, 1 for 3.

Anyway, C's and my lives coalesced for a night and we went out drinking at this restaurant/bar on the water. I got really, really shitty drunk. I haven't had that much in a long time. He had a lot to drink too...and since he doesn't have a job, car, or money (real winner, right?), I paid the $80-something bar tab. We danced for a while, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes. I was drunk, give me a break! Besides, I thought he'd forget in the morning. He didn't. Now I have to figure a way to get out of this, which I don't anticipate being very difficult because he doesn't particularly seem like a one-woman man.

There's that. What a catastrophe. It's made me kind of internally briefly mourn the loss of Dane Cook Guy. We might not have been a good match in his eyes, but we were a better match than C and I. I told DCG about C, actually. Talking to him always makes me feel better. And at the same time I felt our relationship sliding more into friendship, which was kind of sad and relieving at the same time.

I don't want to date, I just want to find someone that gets me, that doesn't mind staying at home smoking pot and watching movies, that can have intelligent conversations with me, that can get on well with my friends, etc. etc. I want someone I can rely on.

I probably will be an old spinster.

Part two. I lent Jessica $111 to pay back a payday advance, so that she could take out another payday advance and return the money immediately. I knew this was a bad idea, and I'm not much of a risk-taker, so I loaned her the money knowing I probably wouldn't see it again.

I haven't. I doubt I will. I feel kind of bad because we've been such good friends for such a long time, but I told her specifically that the money was for Lindsey's birthday present and that I needed it back right away, and she chose to keep the money over maintaining our friendship. Apparently our friendship is worth less than $111. I figured it would happen though. She's been getting more shady and unreliable since she's been dating Jeremy, and he got her really into pills, stealing, avoiding paying bills, etc.

Loopis was right. She's a chameleon girlfriend. Whomever she dates, she changes into them. And she's chosen to date deadbeat, future-less losers.

I have to cut her loose. There's nothing I can do anymore.

In middle school and the beginning of high school, we both talked about everything we would accomplish and how hopeful our lives looked. We had similar plans for the future.

After high school, we greatly diverged. I stayed on my path: I'm going to graduate with a B.A. in spring 2010. My GPA is outstanding. I have my own place, my own car, I pay my own bills (and on time), and I have a network, however small, of people I know I can rely on, and the reason I know they would help me if I needed is because I don't and haven't in the past fucked them over.

After high school, she went to college. For a while. Lost her scholarship, and moved out. Got pretty heavy into drugs, and some drinking. To the best of my knowledge, she has snorted coke, done various types of opiates, been addicted to Roxy's and undergone withdrawal symptoms, started dealing, drank a lot, dropped a lot of acid and eaten a lot of shrooms, etc. This girl has done everything except heroin, essentially. And don't jump down my throat, I'm not condemning drug use. I don't do a lot of hard drugs, although I have had my forays. My point is, she let this control her life.

She owes in the ballpark of $6,000 to different places and lenders, she has horrible credit, she's alienated herself from her friends, she's destroyed everyone's trust in her, and she still thinks that she can run back to mommy to fix everything, no harm no foul. We've ended up so differently.

It scares me, a little.