Uphill Both Ways

There is evidence that I have said this:

I'm going to become a ritual napper like some incompetent 80-year-old guy.
July 21, 2003

Here's another:

What the hell is up with milk? The only time it's perfectly drinkable is when you first buy it.
June 02, 2003

I still feel that way about milk, six years later.
I really did like the old me.

I need to find a way to merge the things I liked about me then and the things I like about me now into one, formidable Super-Sarah.

I want to get back into the game.

Do you see what psychology has done to me?

Step 1: Don't Forget Your Brain

I absolutely despise being sick.

It clouds my mind, makes me feel enfeebled and incapacitated, and shackles me to the couch for days on end.

Last Thursday I woke up with a relatively wicked sore throat, and thinking it was just a cold or flu coming on, I went to work and didn't think anything of it. The next day my tonsils were so enlarged I could barely breathe without experiencing some sort of pain.

Having health insurance again (sadly this makes me feel like a king), I decided to go to the walk-in clinic Saturday because I didn't want to wait until Monday to try to get in at the doctor's. My swab test was positive for strep throat. Then something amazing happened. They gave me a steroid shot in the ass, and it effectively reduced then eliminated all inflammation, difficulty swallowing, and general discomfort I had been suffering the past few days. I'm not typically the type of person to submit to having foreign chemicals injected into my body (least of all my butt), but damn...that was nice.

And now a few days later I'm sick again, with something else this time. I've transformed from not being able to swallow into a veritable snot-and-phlegm factory. It's...well, disgusting. From strep to common cold. It's almost a downgrade.

This is what being sick does to me:

I intended to deposit some money at the bank, then swing back and hit up the new Publix around the corner for groceries, and then return home. This is what actually happened: I went to the bank and realized once I got there I had forgotten half of the deposit, namely the portion that was set aside for paying the cable bill today. This means I'd have to make a second trip. I went to the new Publix, and witnessed the ordeal that is trying to find a parking spot in a snazzy new grocery store on opening day, finally got inside, and realized I had forgotten the rather lengthy list of items I desired to purchase.

I left the grocery store, went back home, found one of the checks I meant to deposit and searched all over for the other one. I finally found it, endorsed the checks, set them down to tuck away the grocery list, then realized I had misplaced my keys. I found the keys (in my back pocket...absentmindedness, ftw), took my grocery list, got in the car, and headed back to the store. Just outside of my apartment complex I realized I forgot the checks I needed to deposit. So...I turned around, went back to the apartment, picked up the checks, made sure I had the list, left, went to the store, bought my shit, loaded the car, picked up lunch, came home, ate, put the groceries away, and then remembered that I still hadn't gone back to the bank to deposit the checks.

Fuck me.
I hate being sick.

Aside from clearly being a hindrance to myself, however, I've eliminated most distractions from my life.

Go, Sarah...! Right?

Also, as an afterthought, I'd like to provide a couple updates on events mentioned in past posts that have not until now been cleared up.

For starters, I did continue to see C for perhaps another month or so. We went out to bars/clubs a few times, places that my co-workers haunt, and they all thought he was a babe. The ones who talked to him at any length longer than "hello" told me that he's not very interesting. Duh. Anyway, I basically told him I didn't want to see him anymore, but got him on board to the point that it almost seemed like it was his idea. And then he left suddenly to go home to Michigan. Either way, problem solved.

The other thing is that Jessica, in fact, returned the money that she borrowed. Well, most of it. It was ten dollars short, but not worth pointing out, as I didn't honestly expect to see any of that money again. I haven't spoken to her since.

There you have it, folks. My interestingly mundane life, for your pleasure.

General Guidelines for Less-Than-Fine Dining

Rules for the restaurant biz:

As a server:

1. DO NOT stop or turn abruptly.
   
2. DO NOT change direction without warning.
   
3. DO NOT walk backwards.
   
4. DO your sidework.
   
5. DO NOT be a douchebag.

As a "guest":

1. Consolidate! Don't ask for one thing at a time. It's annoying.
   
2. Don't order something that's not on the menu, please.
   
3. Just a reminder: it's polite to tip on your bill's total before any gift card deductions.
   
4. Don't be offended if servers don't laugh at your lame jokes.
   
5. It's not funny to joke about stiffing your server. I don't walk into your job and threaten to deplete your 401K or to walk off with your holiday bonus.
   
6. Be reasonable. Honestly.
   
7. Our restaurant is not your home. If you have a large party, you need to let us know. If you are done with your plates, please leave them on the table for us to pick up and not anywhere else, i.e. other tables, ledges, chairs, etc. If you have small children, prevent them from running around like feral cats.
   
8. You are not the only table in the restaurant. You are just as important, or unimportant, as every other guest I serve.

Thank you for heeding this announcement.

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Hurricane season is almost upon us, and this past week has been gray and humid.

It was nice at first; I like having the darkness outside, and occasionally there's a cool breeze. But it catches up with me after a while, and my knee joints swell from the weather and pressure and it's hard to climb the stairs. That's first. Then the oppression. I feel restless and hyped up at the same time.

Before my brain was going crazy; now my body is, independently of my brain.

I'd just like to be alone for a while, and sleep. And hopefully the sun will come back out.

Touch Down

I feel like I've got nothing to say, but maybe that's because I've been minimalizing the importance of what has actually happened, so here we go...

I'm trying to be friends with Dane Cook Guy, because I know he can be a good friend and I honestly do want him in my life. It just stung, at first. Not being wanted after I felt like I had been. I still don't understand totally where he's coming from, but he feels like we aren't a good match, and there's nothing I can do about that.

So I don't want to be with anyone, per se, because I don't feel like I can trust anyone and I don't particularly want to go through the motions of getting to know someone or letting them get to know me. I'm done with the dating game. It sucks.

However, I'm a girl, and I have needs just like anyone else. But unlike most other people (I imagine), I'm not as good at repressing my needs. I found what seemed to me like a good solution -- a really hot guy named C, whom even Loopis finds attractive (we don't normally see eye-to-eye on what physical characteristics are attractive in men).

The best thing about C is that he is not very deep. It looks to me like all his friendships and relationships are superficial and devoid of anything meaningful. So I thought he could be Mr. Right Now, and when I'm done no feelings get hurt. Essentially we'd be using each other.

He is definitely not my type, at all. He parties all the time, drinks way too much, has had a very promiscuous past and probably will have a very promiscuous future, he smokes cigarettes, he's not very bright, he talks about cars and fixing them ALL THE TIME, he doesn't like Jeopardy! for Christ's sake!

There are three basic dimensions that guys have to match me on in order for there to be something: 1) he must be what I consider physically attractive, because attraction is important to me; 2) he must be intelligent and have a similar personality to my own; and 3) he must get along with my friends.

Dane Cook Guy was 2 for 3. C, 1 for 3.

Anyway, C's and my lives coalesced for a night and we went out drinking at this restaurant/bar on the water. I got really, really shitty drunk. I haven't had that much in a long time. He had a lot to drink too...and since he doesn't have a job, car, or money (real winner, right?), I paid the $80-something bar tab. We danced for a while, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes. I was drunk, give me a break! Besides, I thought he'd forget in the morning. He didn't. Now I have to figure a way to get out of this, which I don't anticipate being very difficult because he doesn't particularly seem like a one-woman man.

There's that. What a catastrophe. It's made me kind of internally briefly mourn the loss of Dane Cook Guy. We might not have been a good match in his eyes, but we were a better match than C and I. I told DCG about C, actually. Talking to him always makes me feel better. And at the same time I felt our relationship sliding more into friendship, which was kind of sad and relieving at the same time.

I don't want to date, I just want to find someone that gets me, that doesn't mind staying at home smoking pot and watching movies, that can have intelligent conversations with me, that can get on well with my friends, etc. etc. I want someone I can rely on.

I probably will be an old spinster.

Part two. I lent Jessica $111 to pay back a payday advance, so that she could take out another payday advance and return the money immediately. I knew this was a bad idea, and I'm not much of a risk-taker, so I loaned her the money knowing I probably wouldn't see it again.

I haven't. I doubt I will. I feel kind of bad because we've been such good friends for such a long time, but I told her specifically that the money was for Lindsey's birthday present and that I needed it back right away, and she chose to keep the money over maintaining our friendship. Apparently our friendship is worth less than $111. I figured it would happen though. She's been getting more shady and unreliable since she's been dating Jeremy, and he got her really into pills, stealing, avoiding paying bills, etc.

Loopis was right. She's a chameleon girlfriend. Whomever she dates, she changes into them. And she's chosen to date deadbeat, future-less losers.

I have to cut her loose. There's nothing I can do anymore.

In middle school and the beginning of high school, we both talked about everything we would accomplish and how hopeful our lives looked. We had similar plans for the future.

After high school, we greatly diverged. I stayed on my path: I'm going to graduate with a B.A. in spring 2010. My GPA is outstanding. I have my own place, my own car, I pay my own bills (and on time), and I have a network, however small, of people I know I can rely on, and the reason I know they would help me if I needed is because I don't and haven't in the past fucked them over.

After high school, she went to college. For a while. Lost her scholarship, and moved out. Got pretty heavy into drugs, and some drinking. To the best of my knowledge, she has snorted coke, done various types of opiates, been addicted to Roxy's and undergone withdrawal symptoms, started dealing, drank a lot, dropped a lot of acid and eaten a lot of shrooms, etc. This girl has done everything except heroin, essentially. And don't jump down my throat, I'm not condemning drug use. I don't do a lot of hard drugs, although I have had my forays. My point is, she let this control her life.

She owes in the ballpark of $6,000 to different places and lenders, she has horrible credit, she's alienated herself from her friends, she's destroyed everyone's trust in her, and she still thinks that she can run back to mommy to fix everything, no harm no foul. We've ended up so differently.

It scares me, a little.

Rebirth

Finally the relief of summer (i.e. a break from classes) has caught up with me.

Yes! YES!

In the meantime, I've arrived at certain conclusions concerning the recent events in my life, and I'm feeling good. Like a brand new person.

Thank God.

I sold my old iPhone for $232.50, which is more than I would have to pay to get a new iPhone 3G (the one I sold was a first gen, Edge network phone).

Then I learned that the iPhone 3.0 firmware (which will be released this summer) that includes updates like landscape texting and copy & paste will only be supported by iPhone 3Gs, and not first gen iPhones.

So...guess what I'm getting this summer? I debated it for a while anyway, but I really want those updates. Besides, if I can sell the first gen iPhone I'm using now for the same price or more than the last one, my new iPhone will essentially pay for itself.

Next up on my to-do hit parade:

Meditation.

Stay tuned, kids, as I attempt a feat that many former Catholics have tried and none have accomplished: becoming spiritually and mentally enlightened.

Huzzah!

I Got 99 Problems But The Truth Ain't One

The first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one.

I have a problem.

I impulsively self-sabotage.

The next step is derive a solution so that I can return to being me.

A Sigh of Disbelief

I think that's finally over.
Whatever was happening to me to make me so unlike myself which shortly resulted in a sea of self-loathing. I was a pathetic sight, for sure.

I broke my own rules of dating, almost every one of them, and I've learned that that can never happen again. I was a fucking mess.

Don't break the rules, for anyone. Under any circumstances.

And so essentially I'm back to where I started. Which is where I find myself, every single time, without fail.

I know I've said it several times in the past, more times than I can count, but I have to cut this shit out. I have to stop thinking that there's someone out there for whom breaking the rules is worth it. He doesn't exist, and I'll only end up hurting myself.

I will never again break the rules. Not for anyone.

He'll have to deal with that. It's up to him, now, whether or not he wants to stick around.

And I will know the answer in T minus 7 months and counting.

I guess I am willing to roll over, if it will protect myself.

Everyone has a price.

Mine is sanity.

Insomnia nervosa

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

There are so many thoughts aswarm in my mind and there's only one person who can put them at rest but he seems either to not get that or to not care.

I've lost so much sleep. I guess I usually still attain the average number of hours of sleep per night, but that's just not normal for me, personally. I go to bed at 12, 1 a.m. and find myself wide awake at 6, 7 a.m. but not a restful wide awake. I'm a dragging, zombie-like state of what can barely be called consciousness. It's affecting my behavior. It's affecting my personality. It's affecting my relationships and interactions with other people.

I'm thinking of resorting to Xanax just to relieve some anxiety so hopefully I can sleep peacefully.

I feel like I'm breaking apart.
I don't think I've ever been this scared for myself.

I Want Eat Yer Brains

I had another zombie dream last night. This one was pretty intense (and kind of strange as it involved characters from Lost).

The one last night was probably the most realistic of all my zombie dreams, or as realistic as a zombie dream can get. Usually in these sorts of dreams as soon as the threat of undead is upon me, I start kicking ass and taking names and rescue my family and friends.

Not last night. I was horrified. My dad died. We had a bitten person in the house, and I knew he would turn any minute. And as much as I wanted to protect my family, I felt useless in doing so and was willing to save my own life if it meant sacrificing my family's lives. I had the impending sense that my death would be painful and tragic and I had to escape. I had no weapons by which to protect myself. I said something like, "Try not to get bitten," and walked out of the house, and that was the last time I saw anyone I cared about.

Maybe the shift in my dream reflects the lack of control I'm experiencing in my life right now. I've spent so much time and energy trying to make sense of this situation with Dane Cook Guy and thinking that my emotional resources were limitless. I was wrong, and I broke.

I cried for two days and I can't even really explain why except that I was just...out. I ran out. I attempted to control an uncontrollable situation and it eventually caught up with me. Certainly instances similar to this have happened before, and caused me a great deal of stress, but not anything quite like this. I was afraid to see what was happening to me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know if I was going to be okay, and I was terrified.

Most things I don't mind living through a day by day basis, or some other trivial amount of time. I use the money I accumulate at the end of each week to pay bills. I register for classes a semester at a time. Aside from work, I don't really know what I'm going to do each day until it happens. My daily activities are constantly shifting.

But other things I feel like I need to know, and when I can't get the answers I start to go crazy.

Maybe I should start buying Lithium off the streets. Best case scenario, I achieve a flat affect and don't experience emotional highs or lows for a while. Worst case scenario, I die.

Doesn't sound too bad, right?

Cat Scratch Fever

The situation with Dane Cook Guy has gotten very complex, very quickly.

He told me not long ago that he considers me to be his girlfriend, as we are exclusively seeing each other and he likes that. Ok, that's fine.

Then he told the ex that the two of us are in a relationship. Um...maybe a bad idea.

Now she's baring teeth and claws and acting in ways she (supposedly) never has; playing mean and vindictive pranks (i.e. starting a rumor that she's getting remarried) and destroying Dane Cook Guy's self-esteem at every turn (i.e. telling him he "sucks as a dad," which he said was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said or done to him).

I didn't want to get in between the two of them. I wanted to be objective and neutral in how I viewed his ex, because I don't know her at all and it's immoral for me to judge her character on hearsay. But she is making it extremely difficult for me.

I care immensely for this boy. And what she's been doing and saying has clearly been with the intent to injure his pride and ego, and I am not okay with that. Without knowing it was coming (I had no idea he intended to tell her about us), I got caught up in a battle royale with the ex wife.

In his life I am the person who is patient, understanding, who tries to help him accept and cope with this situation, and who tries to help him rebuild his self image. I am the girl that takes him a step forward.

She is the person who is angry and vindictive. She has been trying to tear him up, to destroy him. She has taken advantage of many opportunities to attack him in ways that she knows will hurt him the most. She is the girl who knocks him two steps back.

Well, fine. I will try to defend him as best I can, because he does not deserve this. I didn't want it to be this way, but if I have to, I will fight back.

I am not going to roll over and lose one of the best things that has happened in my life.

It's time for Round 2.

Evolutionary Me

It's amazing how some people you meet become the catalyst for self-analysis and personal evolution.

I'm glad to come across them in life; they seem to be increasingly rare.

Irritating^2

I absolutely despise waiting until the last possible minute to get schoolwork done, even though it seems (at the very least in the area of schoolwork) that I work better under pressure.

I've been doing really well in my classes lately, and I'm proud of myself. For certain I am no Albert Einstein, no Adam Smith, no Friedrich Nietzsche, and definitely no Sigmund Freud (although I have no problem with the last as untestable hypotheses don't a prosperous career make), but I am me. Who I am.

So please, lay off the criticism, everyone. I do the things that I do in life because they make me happy. If they cause people to think less of me, too bad. I'm not looking for respect so much as I am looking to maintain my contentment and uphold my own personal moral and ethical codes. And by personal, I mean fuck off. Seriously. I'm sick of being preached to by holier-than-thou pompous asses. I don't live the way you think a successful, spiritually attuned person should be living? My actions are what you consider unintelligent and pitiable? You're right. I'm a bad person and I'm going to suffer the consequences. Does that make you feel better? Important? Hearing that I think you're superior to me? Fine. Take that to your grave.

Ugh. Vent over. Just leave me alone unless you have something insightful to say, like, "Sarah, based on your interests and motivations, I think that this career would be a good fit for you. Here's why, and here's how to go about obtaining it." Or, "I know you have some unanswered questions about things like health care, 401K's, and mortgaging a house. I'd love to shed some light on those dark areas."

So now I'm trying to solve my own problems. I often bounce ideas off Loopis, or seek advice, or talk to her just to hear my own voice, but she's been preoccupied lately. Some people think the best way to derive solutions to quandaries is solitarily. I disagree. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for most people to think subjectively and simultaneously completely objectively about their dilemmas. I like receiving feedback when I ask for it by people who can provide a different outlook than my own on situations in which I get myself. I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes I need help, or I have trouble seeing the whole truth.

Regardless, I have been working through my own thoughts without Loopis to act as my rubber wall, and with two exams coming up I wish I could either work through them faster or put them on the back burner for a while.

Lindsey has been a little distant, dealing with her own worries. There have been a couple times that I feel like she's shut me down when I've tried to talk to her, despite the fact that I never turn her away. It's not troublesome until I get to the point where I really need to sit down and sort things out with her and she's unavailable.

Recently there has arisen an issue concerning my birth control. Because Lindsey is more exposed to the health care system (for obvious reasons), and because Albert has worked in a pharmacy for the past several years, I thought their combined musings would provide me with the information I sought to appropriately resolve this issue. Perhaps they would have, if I had been told anything at all.

I attempted to just let it simmer on low for a while until I could resolve it myself, but of course it's difficult for me to completely hide my thoughts because both my actions and words are honest. I can be easily read if the right amount of time and care is taken.

And so Dane Cook Guy noticed something was up. I gave him a basic run-down of the predicament, and then apologized for getting him involved because he is not an expert on the topic of birth control and I know he couldn't really help me; besides, I usually retain all the "stupid girl stuff" for my chats with Lindsey. After all, her sex makes her more empathetic to my plight.

Dane Cook Guy said that he can be stupid and girly, if I need him to be. Meaning, of course, that he is willing to adapt his behavior as best he can to accommodate my emotional needs.

Most of you wouldn't even offer to do that. Express such concern and caring; characteristics that make us human and by my definition, good people.

With all your education, and intelligence, and declarative knowledge, are you still the better person?

Did you hang compassion out to dry, or trample people on your way to the top?

Well congratulations. I wish you success on your life path.

Oh. My. Gee-sus.

What an incredible month.

A few weeks ago I served these two ladies at the Restaurant, on a night that I had a three-table section. Although they were both really nice and not very needy, I was a little annoyed that they sat there for two hours and only drank lemon drop martinis and split only a nachos appetizer and a dessert. However, they left a pretty good tip, percentage-wise, so I let it go. I was pre-bussing the table after they left and found what looked like a really expensive pair of Prada sunglasses, but I'm not adept at identifying fakes so their authenticity was undetermined. The ladies had told me they were going to see a movie, so I gave the sunglasses to the host stand and told the host on that night that the ladies might come back after the movie to pick them up, and to hold on to them for the time being.

A week passes, and I'm working a weekend night shift again. I get sat with the same two ladies from the previous week, they order the same drinks again, and ask if I had found their glasses from the week before. Without a thought, and because I'm an honest person, I blurted out, "Yeah, I did actually. Let me track them down for you."

Now, this was a mistake, as was pointed out to me very severely in the following 15 minutes, because unbeknownst to me was the fact that this woman had been calling periodically throughout the intermediate week asking about her sunglasses, which we did not have because apparently someone stole them. I told Brian (my GM) about the glasses situation and he began to tear me a new asshole for not lying to the customer and telling her I had never found them.

The outcome was that the women had to call corporate and go through the Restaurant's insurance company for a new pair of sunglasses (that they approved a $1,000 spending limit for), and this action effectively eradicated Brian's bonus and in turn his budget for a new car.

Basically, I'm fucked. I'm going to go into work today (Loopis gave me the heads up) and get chewed out again for this sunglasses situation, all because I am an honest person. If I had known I would be rewarded for my honesty like this, I would have been lying to those motherfuckers ten months ago. Give me a fucking break.

. . .

Here's the other side.
WARNING: boy turmoil ahead. Read at your own risk.

Things had been going swimmingly with Dane Cook Guy. Then he texts me one day (this part is in context to the rest of the conversation) and he says that he sees us being more friends than anything else, although he's open to more.

[NOTE: I didn't anticipate a relationship coming of this, after I found out about his kids and the divorce. I decided if I was going to stay involved, it would be as more of a supportive figure at the very least and casual dating at the most.]

I asked him why he thought that, and he said he envisioned religion being a potential issue if things got more serious.

Now, I am not religious. I don't pretend to be pious, nor do I want to be. However, I am a very understanding person, and I respect all religious views (except Scientology), even if I don't accept them personally. I thought that Dane Cook Guy felt the same way. So, I was a little hurt by that; not because I want to one day marry the guy, but because everyone deserves a chance, and shutting that chance down before it gets to play out is like...well, abortion.

Anyway, the next day we're talking again, and I bring up my aspiration of achieving certain goals during 2009. I said it might be time to make another list of what I intend to accomplish, and somehow this turned into me making him a list of his goals.

So...I made a list. Some of the items are specific to his particular situation, and others are much more general wisdom about life. Then I sent it to him.

Later he told me he was really surprised at how on-point the list was, particularly item 3:

Reestablish my relationship with God. Faith is what keeps us going during hard times. Remember to thank Him for His guidance, unclear though it may seem at times.

Then we started discussing religion. He said he was taken back by how well an atheist could seem to grasp the idea of religious faith, so I pointed out that I was raised Catholic, and I used to know what it felt like to have faith. That this was part of the reason I was disappointed by the "friends only" comment; that because I don't practice a pre-established doctrine doesn't mean I don't understand the importance of faith and religion in people's lives.

I feel that although it is a glaring difference, the only difference between myself and "believers" is God. They pray to one, I don't. But our moral and ethical codes are very similar, regardless. I live my life the way I feel is appropriate and honorable, and I take personal responsibility for my actions.

I experimented with religion in high school; I went to youth groups, masses, and other church services. I just don't fit in with those type of people. I consider myself to be a good person.

Anyway, I think I might have changed his mind a little bit. I told him it would probably be a little harder for him to make a list for me, because I know more about him than he knows about me. He asked if that was intentional, and I told him no; that he has a lot more going on in his life (a lot of distractions, if you will), and that it's easier for me to retain information about him than vice versa because of that.

This morning he text me, asking me if I would do something for him, something very special; asking me if I wanted to meet his kids.

Obviously there is some significance here, because his kids are very important to him and he wouldn't introduce a new woman into their lives unless...unless what? He thought she'd be sticking around for a while?

So I'm supposed to head to his place after work. But we were joking around earlier (or I was joking around with him) and he didn't seem as into it as he normally does, so I asked what was on his mind. He said he had a lot on his mind, and that he'd talk to me about it later. I will of course listen to what he has to say, but I'd already determined that my role in his life is as a supportive friend figure (and casual sex partner).

So, what do you think?

Do you know what I think?
I think it's time for some lunch. I'm hungry.

2009mm

The Year of the Hand-Gun.

Lindsey just text me and said today's the day that people run around with black spots in their heads.

I feel like I have a black spot in my head.

I've been avoiding talking about more "emotional" things here, because I'm afraid that if I do, my worst fears will come true; but they seem to be accomplishing that on their own anyway, so I guess the blog medium does nothing to either facilitate or prevent that from happening.

If there is anyone out there who actually reads this, I apologize in advance for bringing up boy problems again. You're probably tired of it, and I'm sure you realized long ago that I will probably never learn my lesson.

Dane Cook Guy turned out to be fabulous, and I can't even explain why. I'm just attracted to him, and to his honesty. I should have known from the start that would signal trouble, because nothing genuinely good comes with no strings attached.

In this case, those strings are his divorce. You can't connect with someone on a deep level if they are in love with someone else. Instead, my humanitarian, more nurturing "mother" side kicked in and I felt like he needed to be taken care of through all of the pain he's been experiencing. I'm sure you know this was a bad idea, and if you don't, I'll tell you why.

I am the emotionally available girl. He is the taken boy. If the taken boy ever can move past his past, he will never want to be with the emotionally available girl, for the same reason he is torn up about his ex-love: because she was always there for him.

I don't know what to do about the situation. I obviously got too attached and involved, and now it's starting to interfere with school. I am so internally taxed that I'm considering dropping British Lit, even though if I spent all day studying today for the midterm tomorrow I could probably pass it with a B. I just don't feel like I have the energy to get out of bed.

And if you're saying, "Sarah, haven't you learned anything?" The answer is no. Seeing a soon-to-be- or recently-divorced man is a repeat of two years ago, with the old Restaurant's coworker. What happened then? The same things that are happening now.

And speaking about the past coming back to haunt, the ex-coworker got a hold of me yesterday and told me he hates where he is living now and wishes he never left my sunny state.

So, like a doofus, I told him to move back. I don't know what to expect. I doubt he will, although he sounds serious about it. And then what will happen?

I think it's true, that girls like having some drama in our lives, but I don't think it's true for the reasons that boys think it is. I like having a certain degree of drama in my life because it distracts me from my thoughts of probably ending up as an old spinster.

It's looking more and more likely these days. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I don't get back in return what I am willing to - and do - give. I constantly have to hold people back at arm's length because no one is proving to be trustworthy, or because the only thing I can trust is that I will be intentionally or inadvertently hurt in the process.

I hope Loopis plans on spending the rest of her life living with me, because she is the only non-family member I can depend on.

After the day I had yesterday, my head swirling with thoughts attacking my attentional span for anything important, I just needed to chill, smoke, self-medicate, relax, stupefy, take a vacation, go out to lunch, get retrograde amnesia, whatever you want to call it.

I heard that Angela had broken up with Ken, on her account this time. Same issue as mine, the giving/receiving dichotomy was not in check and balance. A "girl's night" had been called at Angela's, so I figured I'd stop by for a bit.

That was a mistake in and of itself. It's been a long time since I've felt so out of place in a group of people. It depressed me to hear late-20's and 30-something women discuss their anxiety over not being married yet, running out of time to have kids, etc., etc. I'm not the type of person who likes to get together in large groups of people and bitch about my boyfriend and then cry over the thought of him not loving me anymore while my friends swarm and try to soothe me, nor am I the soother. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable, and if that's what a typical girl's night consists of, count me out.

I just want to be appreciated. I want someone to recognize the lengths I am willing to go to please him, and someone who will do the same in return for me. Someone who accepts that I will act emotional and irrational from time to time, and loves me for it. Someone who matches my interests and stamina in bed. Someone who realizes that sometimes I need space too, and is okay with that, because so does he. Someone I am both physically and emotionally attracted to, who feels the same way about me. Someone who makes me laugh, comforts me when I'm down, doesn't judge, and likes to do crossword puzzles with me.

I'm starting to lose hope that he's out there.

In any case, I haven't been writing here so much because blogs don't talk back, so there's a limit to the amount of catharsis I can achieve.

I had replaced this blog with Dane Cook Guy, with whom I was beginning to feel like I could tell anything, and honestly. Then I began to see the other edge of the sword. He doesn't always respond with what I want to hear (which is honest, and I respect that) but sometimes I think I'd rather hear nothing at all, and the internet won't give you any answers you don't search for. Secondly, psychically unloading on someone causes them to view you in a different light. If even there were a chance that he could come out of this smiling, it won't be at me if I keep opening myself up like this.

It really is time to lock everything up and throw away the key. I'll try harder to protect myself this time, I promise. I'll try not to let loneliness eat away at me.

If you're looking for me, I'll be hiding behind this façade:

Pie Delivery Service

Or any non-complex dessert menu item, in general.

I had this idea the other day and I told Dane Cook Guy, and he confirmed it was interesting (like I needed a second opinion for that).

I like desserts. Sweet pastries and brownies and cookies and other delectables. However, I don't eat nearly as much sugar-filled items now as I had in the past, so when I do want to satisfy my sweet tooth, there is nothing around. That and, this desire typically comes late at night (this, for instance, is after most of the grocery stores with the widest selection of foods to tickle my fancy have long been closed).

At that point, instead of moaning and groaning and trying to dig up anything even remotely sugary or chocolate-y to indulge my taste buds, I would instead like to be calling a dessert delivery service where for a reasonable price I can choose from a variety of baked goods and have them delivered TO ME at my place of residence.

So instead of being saddened that my turnover fantasies have halted on the path to reality, I could be that person both enjoying baking in my free time and running a later-night delivery service of tasty hand-crafted foods while making a few bucks.

I'm going to look into that and see if I need any type of certification or insurance. If it's too expensive to run legally, I'll have to operate an underground, black-market bakery.

In the meantime I'll sit here and report half-contemplated business ideas in between playing Solitaire and watching breakup movies on USA on Valentine's Day.

Ironic?

(But I really do like that boy.)

Until then, my friends.

Physiology

It's not that I get a lot of calls during my average day, but today I've had such a gaping void of contact with other people that I'm concerned something might either be wrong with me or with everyone else.

I'm also on my period, and I've noticed that when I'm PMS-ing my emotions cycle more quickly than when I'm not. Generally, my cycle includes intense periods of wanting to have sex, then a span where I could care less if I spent the rest of my life alone. Then I start vaginally bleeding and the wanting to be with someone and the extreme solitary desire interchange rapidly.

I guess you just never stop learning about yourself, emotionally as well as physically.

But can you ever know? You're constantly changing, getting older, getting more ill, getting better again, growing. Everything different is a new learning experience, in self-discovery.

I hope I never stop learning.

It is what it is.

.si ti tahw si tI

I get tired of trying to convince myself of that sometimes.

Sometimes I'd like to hear "it is perfect" or "it has so much potential."

I'm tired of being alone.
And I'm tired of playing games.

I want "it is so easy to be with you" or "it is surprising to me how much I love being around you."

I don't want, "it is just complicated right now" or "it is kind of a bad time for me" or "it is not working out."

Rise up, Sarah. Rise up.

Hello, my friend, hello.

For the record, I am not a Neil Diamond fan.

It's been a while since I've been around. As anticipated, I've been busy this semester. However, there have been other occurrences, most of which I have not anticipated. Here's the rundown.

K-Bat is moving to Japan. Like, this Tuesday. After all that talk about how great every country other than the U.S. is, I'm surprised he came back to the states for as long as he did. He said he'll be taking online classes at a local (to me) four-year so he can finish school while he teaches English overseas. That seems to be a trend these days, the desire to teach English to foreign nations. My English isn't the best, but I'm confident in saying that my grammar, punctuation, and vocabulary is better than most, and so I'm worried that other countries will get a bad impression of us when they learn a new language from someone with so little mastery of it. Not that their impressions of us aren't already poor. The move to Japan was anticipated.

Also, I've had to take a step back and reevaluate my definition of friendship. Loopis and Albert are up-and-down sometimes, but I don't stick an uninvited nose into others' business; if things work out okay, and even if they don't, I'm here to do what a friend should do -- be an impartial support system. K-Bat text me a couple weeks ago after FILTH and asked if Lindsey and Albert were still together (take a second here to get a sense of impending doom from the drama that's about to follow). Apparently, L and A had a fight sometime around a month ago and Mr. LTA decided to run his mouth (like usual) and started telling everyone they had broken up when they, in fact, hadn't. Now I know that life is stressful enough for Loopis with her cocktail of a myriad of autoimmune disorders, trying to figure out what to do in life that will make her happy (aren't we all?), working, and balancing a relationship. The very last thing she needs is someone who is supposed to be a friend slandering her when she's not around to smack him in the back of the head and tell him to stop being an asshole.

So I less than politely told him to remove himself from situations that don't require his attention in the slightest and perhaps find a girlfriend or a fuck doll to occupy the free time he will have once he stops butting his way unwanted into peoples' lives. After that, I thought about what friendship really means to me, and a few names got crossed off the list. The distancing myself from the Stavros group was anticipated (but not so soon).

Last week before FILTH Angela was telling me how strange Ken had acted that day; that he had been living with her for the past week to save some money and sanity, that he stopped drinking (also to save money) and become more irritated, and that earlier in the day during which we were talking he woke up, left with all of his things, and made no indication of coming back that night. She told me the previous night that she had asked him why he had been so cranky lately, and he replied with a cranky response and went to bed. When she asked if he wanted her to leave a key to the apartment so he could get in after work, he said no, and he would talk to her "soon." As a girl, that's a little unnerving. I told her not to worry about it, Ken was probably just stressed about the financial, health, and living situations he was in, and that it would probably pass.

We went to FILTH and Ken was unexpectedly there, which made Angela nervous. She asked if she should say hi and I told her that he probably needed space and he would approach her if he wanted to talk. We had a pretty good time, until Angela sent Ken a slightly offensive picture via MMS thinking it would be funny, and Ken totally took it the wrong way and went off on Angela. Completely inappropriately. Saying things like, "keep the hell away from me" and "you're a psycho bitch" and "you should be on meds" and "I never want to see you again." If Angela could be accurately described by those phrases, more than likely she would not be my friend. We were both confused and angry. I told Ken (and I tried to be explicit in my intent, since I berate those who get involved when they shouldn't) that it's none of my business but he should at least talk to Angela about what happened because she seemed to have no clue where it all came from; if he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, she at least deserved some legitimate closure.

One week later and they are back together. He apologized for everything he said, and for some things he hadn't been saying ("thank you for cooking me dinner" and "how was your day today?" and "you look beautiful"). Newsflash guys: girls like compliments and well-deserved appreciation. Telling a girl she looks nice isn't quite pulling teeth. Suck it up and assuredly you'll get more in return. Both the breakup and swift reunion were unanticipated.

As for me (whom I have yet to touch on, with the exception of stating I've been incredibly busy with school), things have taken a turn for the weird.

From time to time when I'm online, I read Craig's List personals. Not just men seeking women, but all of them. Men for men, women for women, men for women, women for men, casual encounters, missed connections, etc. They're entertaining and it's interesting to read ads about people ISO LTR (in seek of a long-term relationship) when you can tell that every word in that ad is complete bullshit.

Anyway, I've made it to the m4w (men for women) page, and I come across an ad posted by someone with an extra ticket to see Dane Cook this Saturday. Here is my quandary: I would love to see Dane Cook. I am still kicking myself in the ass over missing him a couple years back when he performed at my college FOR FREE. I can't afford a ticket for myself (he's compiled some fame since a couple years ago) and I don't want to miss him again.

However, I don't meet people online. It's kind of weird, they're mostly liars, and it's also got a danger factor. After little debate (I am impulsive, after all) I send this guy an email with some information about me and a picture. I've decided that I don't care what this guy looks like or who he really is, I'm going to use him for the ticket just like he'd probably try to use me for an easy lay (which wouldn't happen). The only thing that really bothered me was why he wouldn't just ask a friend to go with him, and instead post a CL personal.

This guy emails me back, with kind of a bad picture, we chat it up a little, and he seems okay. He's 25, lives in Brandon, is joining the National Guard within the week (which turned out to be yesterday), and he gives me his phone number. From there we start texting each other, decide to meet for dinner to see if we'll get along for the show, and go out a little under a week after the first email was sent.

He's very handsome. The picture turned out to be a really bad picture. He is very attractive, and in great shape too. I am a horrible navigator, so I got lost trying to find the place we decided to meet at and had to call him to bail me out. Dinner was good, the conversation flowed pretty smoothly and I found myself actually liking him (despite earlier in the week telling Lindsey I was just going for Dane Cook, there's no way I would end up liking this guy).

After dinner we played some pool, then he walked me to my car where we ended up standing for two hours in the cold talking. It was really nice, I haven't had too many experiences with guys lately where they actually care to talk to me that long before trying to get into my pants. I wanted him to kiss me. He eventually did. I thought I felt some chemistry, he said the same thing. We continued talking and he told me he'd be leaving soon for 7 months once he enlisted in the National Guard, and that he was taken off guard by how much he ended up liking me, and that maybe this is something that could work out. But if it did, he said, he wanted me to know right off something very important, and that I should come over after work so we could talk about it.

My brain immediately screams out two things:
1. He has AIDS.
2. He has kids.

It turns out he has two kids, one is two, one four and a half, and he's getting his divorce finalized this month, but the split was mutual and amicable. He wanted me to judge him first on character, and then if things seemed to go well he would tell me the rest.

And I still like him. He's not only mature because he's that much older than me (four years would be the biggest age difference I've ever experienced), but wiser because he has children and because he has this amazing ability to learn from his past mistakes, which apparently has dropped off in the rest of the population.

There are so many positive characteristics about him, I'm really surprised that people (not just guys) like him still exist. So right now I'm trying to run with it and see what happens. After he told me about his kids and impending divorce (and cleared the air with that), he's been completely truthful (as far as I can tell) about everything else I've asked him about or wanted to know.

Then immediately my defenses went up. I'm so used to people lying to me that everything he says that sounds "too good to be true" (as in, the truth itself) comes across as a lie, when in reality there's nothing there to lie about.

I don't know where this is going, but this is why I didn't want to date anyone.

She's Not a Girl Who Misses Much

Here's my class line-up for Spring 2008:

Tuesday:
Developmental Psychology
Experimental Design and Analysis
Psychology of Learning

Thursday:
British Literature 1900-1945


Riveting, eh? Three psych classes in one day, how lucky can a girl get?

So I've had a meeting with Dr. Hottie Professor, and he asked me if I planned on going to grad school (I said yes) and what particular concentration I had in mind for a career in psychology.

Later that night I thought about it, and all ruminations ended at one place: Do I even want to be in school? Life is for living, do I want to spend half of my lived life in school to immediately emerge, struggle to obtain a "prestigious" position, settle down and eventually die?

I'm sure almost every student dwells on this at some point or another, but I know for certain that I'm (still) in school more or less to appease my parents and grandparents, because it's not really my expectations I'm trying to live up to. Yes, I like the study of psychology. Yes, I'm good at it. But do I want to make a career, a day-in-day-out grind out of what I love and hope it doesn't ruin me in the end?

Every time I stop and speculate as to what will make me happy in life, it's college- and career- and graduate school-oriented. Maybe I'm completely missing the point.

I want to learn. But I don't necessarily have to drive myself into poverty learning in an academic institution.

What would make me most happy out of life is learning as much as I possibly can before I die.

I want to salsa dance, play bass guitar, play bongo drums, do yoga, paint, make pottery, meditate, travel. My ideal life would be learning a skill until I've mastered it, then learning something else, and so on.

How will I break this news to my parents? That what will make me happy ultimately will not make me money? Why do the two need to be hand-in-hand?

I need someone to talk to.

Auld Lang Syne

It is twelve hours and thirteen minutes into 2009 and I figured I'd take the time now to reflect on 2008, write about how I rang in the new year, and create some resolutions for myself.

Last year was hectic. I started 2008 with a new car (that I bought in November 2007) and with my boyfriend of then nearly three years. The car hasn't yet failed me but the boyfriend did. We broke up right before the summer, but I still think about him a lot, and hope he's doing well. We agreed to be friends, and I called to wish him a happy birthday and he hasn't returned my other call, so I think 2008 is the final close to our relationship.

After Joe I dated a series of guys, all different in some way, none of them right for me. There was the heartbroken musician, the smart condescending asshole, the too-young stoner (I guess in reality, most of them were stoners), the insecure self-conscious electrician, and the DJ with ideas. And then, of course, I started fucking around (sex only) with the ambitious skateboarder with the huge dick.

Where am I at now with all that? About halfway through the failed dating attempts, I lost interest in seeing anyone at all, but for some reason kept finding myself in situations where I was hanging out with guys. I've cut that off. 2009 I think will prove to be even more busying than 2008, and I can't stress out over relationship shit.

The ambitious skateboarder and I, we essentially are each other's booty call, and the sex is great, so I'll probably hang on to that. We hook up once every three, maybe four weeks. It's uncomplicated and I like that. Plus, having a fat cock doesn't hurt his case.

Over the summer I moved in with Lindsey, and that has got to be the best decision I made in 2008. We work really well as roommates, and she's my best friend. We're starting to understand each other a lot better, and it had been a long time since I last could trust and rely on someone to be there for me. Also, as much as I enjoy the solitude sometimes, I don't think I'd be able to live alone. And who better to share your home with than someone you really care about?

School has been moving along nicely too. At the end of 2008 I can proudly say that my psych major GPA is a 3.8, and my overall GPA is a 3.6. I am three semesters away from getting my B.A., and this year I have the opportunity to be a research assistant to an intelligent, funny (and irrelevantly good-looking) professor, which will look great on my grad school application, when I get there.

My final analysis is that even though 2008 brought a lot of bad with it (economic decline, price inflation, romantic catastrophes, poverty), the bad was outweighed by the good (a new job, the end of the Bush regime, a nationwide spread of hope, opportunities for me, general good times with the people whose company I enjoy).

As for last night, I was getting ready to go out (I bought a new dress and everything!), when the ambitious skater sent me a text asking me to come over. I initially turned him down, because I wouldn't have enough time to drive there, do the nasty, drive home, clean up, and get to Angela's on time. But I had been smoking, and I thought to myself, "Score one for Sarah, turning down a hot guy with a big dick on New Year's Eve. What the hell am I doing with my life?" So I went. And my legs were fucking noodles. I'm not going to lie, whenever this tryst ends, I'll be a little sad.

Anyway, I had originally planned to stay at Filth, but ended up squeezing into JG's little Sentra and carting off to his next gig at 1:00 a.m. in the larger, neighboring party city. I didn't really have a midnight kiss (I cheek-kissed Angela, Meghan, and Kevin); not in the traditional sense, anyway.

And I didn't drink nearly as much as I had thought I would. I'm not hungover now, anyway, and I was fine to drive home last night, too. It's getting easier to not drink so much, because I don't like the taste of alcohol at all. I just like being drunk. Smoking is the better alternative, I think. I kind of feel like I'm slowing down and I'm only 21.

So overall, not a bust, but I think I'll probably stay at home and have an intimate celebration next New Year's, but who knows?

After some debate, these are my resolutions (addressed to myself, and open for revision):

1. Learn to control my impulsiveness. Sometimes it's okay; sometimes it's not. Know the difference.


2. Stop spending so much money on booze. Maybe cut back on pot a little too.


3. Let the little things go. If boys aren't worth your time, then frustration isn't, either.


4. Enjoy life.


5. Don't miss out on big opportunities by caving to fear.

That's what I've got so far. I'll see where it goes from here.