I Got 99 Problems But The Truth Ain't One

The first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one.

I have a problem.

I impulsively self-sabotage.

The next step is derive a solution so that I can return to being me.

A Sigh of Disbelief

I think that's finally over.
Whatever was happening to me to make me so unlike myself which shortly resulted in a sea of self-loathing. I was a pathetic sight, for sure.

I broke my own rules of dating, almost every one of them, and I've learned that that can never happen again. I was a fucking mess.

Don't break the rules, for anyone. Under any circumstances.

And so essentially I'm back to where I started. Which is where I find myself, every single time, without fail.

I know I've said it several times in the past, more times than I can count, but I have to cut this shit out. I have to stop thinking that there's someone out there for whom breaking the rules is worth it. He doesn't exist, and I'll only end up hurting myself.

I will never again break the rules. Not for anyone.

He'll have to deal with that. It's up to him, now, whether or not he wants to stick around.

And I will know the answer in T minus 7 months and counting.

I guess I am willing to roll over, if it will protect myself.

Everyone has a price.

Mine is sanity.

Insomnia nervosa

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

There are so many thoughts aswarm in my mind and there's only one person who can put them at rest but he seems either to not get that or to not care.

I've lost so much sleep. I guess I usually still attain the average number of hours of sleep per night, but that's just not normal for me, personally. I go to bed at 12, 1 a.m. and find myself wide awake at 6, 7 a.m. but not a restful wide awake. I'm a dragging, zombie-like state of what can barely be called consciousness. It's affecting my behavior. It's affecting my personality. It's affecting my relationships and interactions with other people.

I'm thinking of resorting to Xanax just to relieve some anxiety so hopefully I can sleep peacefully.

I feel like I'm breaking apart.
I don't think I've ever been this scared for myself.

I Want Eat Yer Brains

I had another zombie dream last night. This one was pretty intense (and kind of strange as it involved characters from Lost).

The one last night was probably the most realistic of all my zombie dreams, or as realistic as a zombie dream can get. Usually in these sorts of dreams as soon as the threat of undead is upon me, I start kicking ass and taking names and rescue my family and friends.

Not last night. I was horrified. My dad died. We had a bitten person in the house, and I knew he would turn any minute. And as much as I wanted to protect my family, I felt useless in doing so and was willing to save my own life if it meant sacrificing my family's lives. I had the impending sense that my death would be painful and tragic and I had to escape. I had no weapons by which to protect myself. I said something like, "Try not to get bitten," and walked out of the house, and that was the last time I saw anyone I cared about.

Maybe the shift in my dream reflects the lack of control I'm experiencing in my life right now. I've spent so much time and energy trying to make sense of this situation with Dane Cook Guy and thinking that my emotional resources were limitless. I was wrong, and I broke.

I cried for two days and I can't even really explain why except that I was just...out. I ran out. I attempted to control an uncontrollable situation and it eventually caught up with me. Certainly instances similar to this have happened before, and caused me a great deal of stress, but not anything quite like this. I was afraid to see what was happening to me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know if I was going to be okay, and I was terrified.

Most things I don't mind living through a day by day basis, or some other trivial amount of time. I use the money I accumulate at the end of each week to pay bills. I register for classes a semester at a time. Aside from work, I don't really know what I'm going to do each day until it happens. My daily activities are constantly shifting.

But other things I feel like I need to know, and when I can't get the answers I start to go crazy.

Maybe I should start buying Lithium off the streets. Best case scenario, I achieve a flat affect and don't experience emotional highs or lows for a while. Worst case scenario, I die.

Doesn't sound too bad, right?

Cat Scratch Fever

The situation with Dane Cook Guy has gotten very complex, very quickly.

He told me not long ago that he considers me to be his girlfriend, as we are exclusively seeing each other and he likes that. Ok, that's fine.

Then he told the ex that the two of us are in a relationship. Um...maybe a bad idea.

Now she's baring teeth and claws and acting in ways she (supposedly) never has; playing mean and vindictive pranks (i.e. starting a rumor that she's getting remarried) and destroying Dane Cook Guy's self-esteem at every turn (i.e. telling him he "sucks as a dad," which he said was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said or done to him).

I didn't want to get in between the two of them. I wanted to be objective and neutral in how I viewed his ex, because I don't know her at all and it's immoral for me to judge her character on hearsay. But she is making it extremely difficult for me.

I care immensely for this boy. And what she's been doing and saying has clearly been with the intent to injure his pride and ego, and I am not okay with that. Without knowing it was coming (I had no idea he intended to tell her about us), I got caught up in a battle royale with the ex wife.

In his life I am the person who is patient, understanding, who tries to help him accept and cope with this situation, and who tries to help him rebuild his self image. I am the girl that takes him a step forward.

She is the person who is angry and vindictive. She has been trying to tear him up, to destroy him. She has taken advantage of many opportunities to attack him in ways that she knows will hurt him the most. She is the girl who knocks him two steps back.

Well, fine. I will try to defend him as best I can, because he does not deserve this. I didn't want it to be this way, but if I have to, I will fight back.

I am not going to roll over and lose one of the best things that has happened in my life.

It's time for Round 2.