Jai guru deva...

Ok, I think I have figured it out. I've been thinking about this all day.

Hear me out, because I don't think this will make complete sense, or for that matter, be completely coherent.

The thing that weighs me down, that makes my heart feel heavy, that makes me afraid to be alone at night (on occasion), that always leaves me wanting something more, that I just can't shake, despite my efforts, is humanity.

Humanity is my burden. In an almost Genesis-like, Adam-and-Eve forbidden fruit kind of way.

I have goals in my life, sure.

I want to finish school.
I want to get my degree(s).
I want to have children.
I want to be successful in my career.

But what do most of us want, above all, in spite of what we feel we need or have already gained?

To reach enlightenment.

Or maybe I do speak for myself.

Humanity is restricting me from reaching enlightenment.

And this very likely will be an obstacle that will take the rest of my life to clear.

Om is what I need to start living my life by. The extremely peaceful and invigorating syllable that when uttered both summons energy and distributes it throughout the body, that sends ripples of bliss over my skin that visibly result in goosebumps and also in my tranquility and happiness.

Om is what I need to practice.

I feel keeping this blog has helped me, most effectively in organizing my thoughts. If I did not have a virtual notepad which stores my musings in the simultaneously vast yet miniscule space of the internet, I would instead have tiny pieces of paper and crumpled up receipts with, at times, illegible scribble filling their surfaces that have been folded, refolded, tossed aside then re-read, and then eventually lost into the nothingness that is my unconscious.

Of course, I still do this. Scribble notes on paper, I mean. But my desire to protect my rogue thoughts has culminated in my hanging of a cork board by my bed, on which to tack down for good my fleeting ideas.

After all, organization is one of the first steps to enligtenment, am I right? There has to be something behind Feng Shui and positive and negative energy. I have trouble concentrating when there's clutter.