2009mm

The Year of the Hand-Gun.

Lindsey just text me and said today's the day that people run around with black spots in their heads.

I feel like I have a black spot in my head.

I've been avoiding talking about more "emotional" things here, because I'm afraid that if I do, my worst fears will come true; but they seem to be accomplishing that on their own anyway, so I guess the blog medium does nothing to either facilitate or prevent that from happening.

If there is anyone out there who actually reads this, I apologize in advance for bringing up boy problems again. You're probably tired of it, and I'm sure you realized long ago that I will probably never learn my lesson.

Dane Cook Guy turned out to be fabulous, and I can't even explain why. I'm just attracted to him, and to his honesty. I should have known from the start that would signal trouble, because nothing genuinely good comes with no strings attached.

In this case, those strings are his divorce. You can't connect with someone on a deep level if they are in love with someone else. Instead, my humanitarian, more nurturing "mother" side kicked in and I felt like he needed to be taken care of through all of the pain he's been experiencing. I'm sure you know this was a bad idea, and if you don't, I'll tell you why.

I am the emotionally available girl. He is the taken boy. If the taken boy ever can move past his past, he will never want to be with the emotionally available girl, for the same reason he is torn up about his ex-love: because she was always there for him.

I don't know what to do about the situation. I obviously got too attached and involved, and now it's starting to interfere with school. I am so internally taxed that I'm considering dropping British Lit, even though if I spent all day studying today for the midterm tomorrow I could probably pass it with a B. I just don't feel like I have the energy to get out of bed.

And if you're saying, "Sarah, haven't you learned anything?" The answer is no. Seeing a soon-to-be- or recently-divorced man is a repeat of two years ago, with the old Restaurant's coworker. What happened then? The same things that are happening now.

And speaking about the past coming back to haunt, the ex-coworker got a hold of me yesterday and told me he hates where he is living now and wishes he never left my sunny state.

So, like a doofus, I told him to move back. I don't know what to expect. I doubt he will, although he sounds serious about it. And then what will happen?

I think it's true, that girls like having some drama in our lives, but I don't think it's true for the reasons that boys think it is. I like having a certain degree of drama in my life because it distracts me from my thoughts of probably ending up as an old spinster.

It's looking more and more likely these days. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I don't get back in return what I am willing to - and do - give. I constantly have to hold people back at arm's length because no one is proving to be trustworthy, or because the only thing I can trust is that I will be intentionally or inadvertently hurt in the process.

I hope Loopis plans on spending the rest of her life living with me, because she is the only non-family member I can depend on.

After the day I had yesterday, my head swirling with thoughts attacking my attentional span for anything important, I just needed to chill, smoke, self-medicate, relax, stupefy, take a vacation, go out to lunch, get retrograde amnesia, whatever you want to call it.

I heard that Angela had broken up with Ken, on her account this time. Same issue as mine, the giving/receiving dichotomy was not in check and balance. A "girl's night" had been called at Angela's, so I figured I'd stop by for a bit.

That was a mistake in and of itself. It's been a long time since I've felt so out of place in a group of people. It depressed me to hear late-20's and 30-something women discuss their anxiety over not being married yet, running out of time to have kids, etc., etc. I'm not the type of person who likes to get together in large groups of people and bitch about my boyfriend and then cry over the thought of him not loving me anymore while my friends swarm and try to soothe me, nor am I the soother. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable, and if that's what a typical girl's night consists of, count me out.

I just want to be appreciated. I want someone to recognize the lengths I am willing to go to please him, and someone who will do the same in return for me. Someone who accepts that I will act emotional and irrational from time to time, and loves me for it. Someone who matches my interests and stamina in bed. Someone who realizes that sometimes I need space too, and is okay with that, because so does he. Someone I am both physically and emotionally attracted to, who feels the same way about me. Someone who makes me laugh, comforts me when I'm down, doesn't judge, and likes to do crossword puzzles with me.

I'm starting to lose hope that he's out there.

In any case, I haven't been writing here so much because blogs don't talk back, so there's a limit to the amount of catharsis I can achieve.

I had replaced this blog with Dane Cook Guy, with whom I was beginning to feel like I could tell anything, and honestly. Then I began to see the other edge of the sword. He doesn't always respond with what I want to hear (which is honest, and I respect that) but sometimes I think I'd rather hear nothing at all, and the internet won't give you any answers you don't search for. Secondly, psychically unloading on someone causes them to view you in a different light. If even there were a chance that he could come out of this smiling, it won't be at me if I keep opening myself up like this.

It really is time to lock everything up and throw away the key. I'll try harder to protect myself this time, I promise. I'll try not to let loneliness eat away at me.

If you're looking for me, I'll be hiding behind this façade: