I Want Eat Yer Brains

I had another zombie dream last night. This one was pretty intense (and kind of strange as it involved characters from Lost).

The one last night was probably the most realistic of all my zombie dreams, or as realistic as a zombie dream can get. Usually in these sorts of dreams as soon as the threat of undead is upon me, I start kicking ass and taking names and rescue my family and friends.

Not last night. I was horrified. My dad died. We had a bitten person in the house, and I knew he would turn any minute. And as much as I wanted to protect my family, I felt useless in doing so and was willing to save my own life if it meant sacrificing my family's lives. I had the impending sense that my death would be painful and tragic and I had to escape. I had no weapons by which to protect myself. I said something like, "Try not to get bitten," and walked out of the house, and that was the last time I saw anyone I cared about.

Maybe the shift in my dream reflects the lack of control I'm experiencing in my life right now. I've spent so much time and energy trying to make sense of this situation with Dane Cook Guy and thinking that my emotional resources were limitless. I was wrong, and I broke.

I cried for two days and I can't even really explain why except that I was just...out. I ran out. I attempted to control an uncontrollable situation and it eventually caught up with me. Certainly instances similar to this have happened before, and caused me a great deal of stress, but not anything quite like this. I was afraid to see what was happening to me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know if I was going to be okay, and I was terrified.

Most things I don't mind living through a day by day basis, or some other trivial amount of time. I use the money I accumulate at the end of each week to pay bills. I register for classes a semester at a time. Aside from work, I don't really know what I'm going to do each day until it happens. My daily activities are constantly shifting.

But other things I feel like I need to know, and when I can't get the answers I start to go crazy.

Maybe I should start buying Lithium off the streets. Best case scenario, I achieve a flat affect and don't experience emotional highs or lows for a while. Worst case scenario, I die.

Doesn't sound too bad, right?